Earlier today I read PinQue's lastest blog post on babies, friends with babies and well not having babies. It really struck a chord with me. Then I read the link that Michelle put in her post from Elements of Style and it was not only encouraging but inspiring. It really put into words all that I've been feeling lately and haven't been able to express.
Last week for me sucked. Majorly sucked. There is no other way to say that Tuesday of last week broke me. How I not only allowed one person (a guy) to make me feel so insignificant and small but how since then I've been having continual anxiety attacks and questioning my value. May is my birthday month, which means in 10 days I will be turning 29. Which scares me to death that I am on the door of 30. I keep questioning myself, shouldn't I be somewhere else by now? Shouldn't I at least be with someone who is a possible candidate for a husband? What is wrong with me? I've been trying to psychoanalyze myself and I only end up with chest pains with the feeling that the world is crashing down on me as well as feeling worse about myself.
Thankfully, I have an amazing family and incredible friends who have been supportive...especially after last week. My mom had me over for dinner twice last week so I wouldn't be alone wallowing. She let me cry but also said, this doesn't deserve but a few days of your sadness (or something like that) and she is right.
I had appetizers and drinks with my dear friend and coworker, Erin, last night who said to me: I wish you would see yourself the way I see you...and I would do the same for myself (see herself as I see her). That stuck with me. We females look at ourselves in the mirror and at our life/circumstances and tear ourselves apart. Yet, we always see the best in everyone else. I can be the worst about that. I don't know how to accept a compliment because deep down, I don't know if I believe the words being spoken to me. But I can easily tell one of my friends how wonderful they are and when I am saying I speak absolute truth.
There were several pieces of the Elements of Style post that really spoke to me. The following paragraph spoke volumes to me because it is something I am continually saying. I no longer know how to relate to my friends who have kids. Some of my friends have become mothers recently and though they are no longer just a wife, they've still have created a sense of balance and can carry on conversations that mention motherhood but it is not the center of what they discuss. But then there are times I would rather stay at home than go out with some of my mommy friends because that seems like the only thing they can talk about. What can I contribute to a conversation about nap schedules, feedings, and the development of a child? I have a furry child and live alone.
But it’s hard feeling like the odd girl out. The only one without a baby saddled on her hip. A great job, husband and house- yes- but not that one thing that seems to bind women together. It’s only natural for mothers, especially new moms, to spend more time with others going through what they are, but I can’t help but notice how motherhood sometimes draws a line in the sand between those with kids and those without. People you used to meet for a drink or hang out with seem to disappear from your radar. Dinner dates become fewer. Emails less frequent. It’s heartbreaking, yet understandable when it happens. People latch on to those who are experiencing the same things as they are, it’s only natural. I’m sure they feel that talking about the all the minute details of motherhood would bore those of us who aren't going through it, and NOT talking about it would be like trying to write a novel without using vowels. Impossible. So there is a natural separation.She is so right. It is a natural separation but that separation makes me sad. It makes me long for a time when things were easier. I guess that is human nature though. We want to be older and by the time we reach being older we wish we were in our youth again.
I have no great words of wisdom for this post. Only that I am thankful for friends who are understanding that I am still a single girl. For friends like Michelle who are honest about where they are in their journey. Or for my single friends who can really relate to where I am. So I leave you with the words at the end of the Elements of Style post and hope that this is not only encouraging but a push forward to enjoying the moment:
And it may not be a baby for you. It may be a ring, or a house, or a job. There is always something that makes you feel your life in not the one you had hoped or planned for. That there is something missing, incomplete or off. And the thing to remember is that it will ALWAYS be this way no matter what age you are. Instead of looking and the boxed left unchecked on our life “to do” list we should be looking at the ones we HAVE checked off. Everyone’s life plan is different and we miss the joy of what’s happening to us right now if we consistently focus on what’s not. It’s all very zen and “namaste” of me to say, but we do need to be more present. I need to be more present. Yes, I need to be vigilant about my health and have a plan so that I can make sure I can have a baby someday, but focusing on that is making me miss the wonderful things going on right now, of which there are many.I am where I need to be. And I’ll be somewhere else soon enough.